There were periods in my life when I would look at the uncertain future and see one that might not include babies. One where I would not become a mother, or perhaps I might suffer a loss. And if either of those things happened would I be forever sad? Forever longing? The fear of that life was almost unbearable at times.
Would I cry every time I saw a mother holding a her baby for the rest of my life?
Would I ever be complete?
What would my life look like without kids?
I was so overwhelmed with fear of what I might never have, I couldn’t focus on what God really did have in store for me.
Why did I have such fears? I said I was a believer, but was I really? When I look back I realize that my faith was shaky. I either did not truly believe or had never really stopped to contemplate God's promises and what they meant in my life. What they could mean to me if I did end up living a life without biological children, or any children for that matter.
Time passed and I was weary from all the fear. I began seeking after God and getting to know more about who He is. Eventually, something changed. God revealed more of himself and I felt a certainty growing within me.
I found this verse:
I will see the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living
Wait for the LORD;
I don't mean to throw the cliche' in your faces that so many well-meaning people do:
"Stop trying so hard and it will happen."
"Adopt a baby and then you'll get pregnant."
"Pray harder, and God will hear you."
"Have more faith."
"Let go & let God."
As a woman who suffered from infertility those words are like nails on a chalkboard.
The evoloution of my faith wasn't like that. It wasn't about what I let go of. It wasn't as if I ever let go of the desire to become a mom. I never stopped trying. It was about what I gained in the process. What I grabbed hold of along the way. I felt a confidence that I had never felt before that if I didn't become a mom, God would fill that space with something. With more of Himself. I can't explain it other than it was the Holy Spirit settling my soul. Telling me, "Don't worry, all will be well."
Thanks to my awesome-cool sister-in-law Heather and her recent posts on fear as well which you can read here and to a good discussion at our GracefulWait meeting last night for reminding me that this post has been sitting in my "draft box" for three months now since I wrote Part 1, trying to decide how to finish it.
Heather reminded me of one of my favorite verses 2 Timothy 1:6
"For this reason, I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands."
"For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power, love and self discipline"
I have always loved the phrase "fan into flame"...
I want to write something that has that title. I don't know what exactly.
It sounds pretty.
But it also speaks to me.
About holding on to the Spirit of God during the darkest times.
About letting God's flame be a fire underneath us, pushing us forward...even if it starts as the tiniest of sparks.
Even if our fanning begins with the faintest of breaths...
...barely mustering the strength to just exhale and blow...
I love imagining this tiny flicker that over time becomes a raging fire.
A fierceness that cannot be contained.
That speaks of the great gift God has given us.
The gift of not being afraid...
"through the laying on of my hands."
Isn't that enough to just give you chills?
Many of you are just beginning the walk of infertility, or maybe you just had a loss.
Some of you may feel like you are nearing the end.
One last try.
One last cycle.
One last hope.
Where ever you may be I pray you find peace and confidence.
Peace in the wait.
That your fears will subside as your confidence in God's goodness grows. Whatever your future may hold.
"Fan into Flame."