Saturday, January 12, 2013

Divine Love

In September 2010, during the inception phase of GracefulWait I heard a young woman from my church speak and share her testimony.  By God's grace she had struggled with and beaten Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.   She shared this quote:
"Unerring wisdom ordained your lot, and selected for you the safest and best condition. Remember this, had any other condition been better for you than the one in which you are, divine love would have put you there. You are placed by God in the most suitable circumstances. Be content with such things as you have, since the Lord has ordered all things for your good."
- Charles Spurgeon
I would first say that I don't consider myself a theologian.  I'm a regular girl.  I can't say I'm a follower of Charles Spurgeon because I've never read anything he's written other than this quote.  But I can say that this quote IMPACTED me.   Then, when I first heard it, and I was preparing for one of our first GracefulWait meetings.  But again now, as I revisit, while preparing for our next meeting over 2 years later.  Knowing my own story, but also having had the priviledge of meeting so many other women in the last two years and now knowing theirs.  
I've read and re-read it. 
I've dissected it. 
I've digested it. 
I've been brought to tears by it. 
I think about those long six years.
The Uncertainty. 
The Sadness. 
The IVF. 
The Bedrest. 
The Fear.
The Premature Births. 
The FET's. 
The Miscarriage.
The Pain. 
The Birth of my Final Child. 
All circumstances that divine love not only placed me in, but deemed suitable.  Even as a woman who is fortunate enough to write this on the far side of infertility and to say that my family is now complete, I'm still brought to tears by it.   
I now have three living children who bless my life.  But I still remember what it felt like.
It hurt.  A lot.
Unerring wisdom ordained my lot.  
Selected for me the safest and best condition.  
Divine Love placed me in the most suitable circumstances for my good.  
These are hard concepts to swallow.  Particularly when you don't feel like your story has a happy ending.  How can the death of my child possibly be for my good?  How can living a life without children possibly be for my good?   In earthly terms it's so very difficult to answer these questions.  I can't even begin to. 
But time has helped me see with clarity more of God's plan. I am not the same person I once was. My faith is stronger. I understand the beauty of God's grace and mercy more thoroughly. I will struggle with sin until the day I die, but I like to think I'm a little more like Jesus today than I was 10 years ago. I'm more confident in the Heaven of which the bible tells, and that Jesus is my Savior, and by His wounds we are healed. I know its about what He did for me, not what I am or am not doing. I am more convinced that the bible is truth.  

The Lord makes no mistakes.

The Lord works all things for my good.
The Lord loves me.

Would my faith be the same had my story taken a different turn?   Had my premies not survived?  Had I never have been able to conceive at all?  I can't answer that.   My children are here with me now but I'm acutely aware of the fragility of tomorrow.  I write this not because I live in dread of some trial that is surely around the corner.  I don't.  I write just to say that this awareness makes me more thankful for my faith, today.  Everyday, is another day I can strengthen myself with God's promises, to face any uncertainty that lies ahead.  
In times of fear, doubt, anger, sadness, dissatisfaction...I can only pray and turn my thoughts back to an eternal perspective.  Where the ultimate good does not necessarily mean happiness and healing on this earth.  We were created to yearn for Heaven.   Remembering that helps me to understand a bit more why sometimes the most suitable circumstances for my good are those that bring me to my knees and draw me nearer to the divine love of Jesus.  

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